1. The badness
of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters
in it.
2. You will
never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe 'Daylight Saving Time'.
3. People who
feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor
are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most
valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should
never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.
6. A penny saved
is worthless.
7. They can
hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace
in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling
toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except
a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East
will be bitter enemies.
8. The most
powerful force in the universe is gossip.
9. The one thing
that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes
a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
11. There is
a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
12. People who
want to share their religious views with you almost never want you
to share yours with them.
13. There apparently
exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts
for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they
turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible
plot premises, it spits out 'THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
LIVING IN AN APARTMENT', and the executives turn this concept into
a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out
'SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT'. Then
the next time, it spits out 'FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE LIVING
IN AN APARTMENT'. And so on. We need to locate this computer and
destroy it with hammers.